I am an alcoholic. I am a drug addict. I have depression, anxiety, occasional anger issues and many other problems. I'm not going to let these stop me. For years they held me down in my tracks, like moving through mud. They are not good qualities, but they make up part of me. I try and be the best person I can be, despite this, and I think I do a good job most of the time. I know I'm not living up to my potential, and it galls me. It is the worst when I get into a depression. I know I need to do more things to help myself. I need to go to more meetings, I need to focus on living I guess you could say a 'Godlier' life. My religious beliefs and feelings have seemed to take a back seat lately. I want to be able to live my life like God or any other higher power would intend for me to. I try this on my own, but it doesn't always follow what I believe his will would be. I always look back on my day and realize what I could have done better, how I could have acted better, and who I could have helped more. Sometimes it's me.
It's time I stop relying on saying and telling myself I'm depressed or have an addiction, because that's not all there is to me. Sure, for a while when I was in recovery and getting through the toughest stages it was the biggest part of my life, and I'm not saying it isn't now. Recovery should be my number one thing still, because I want to stay sober. I want to not be depressed. I don't want to be known solely for my negative qualities. Getting sober is hard, it takes time and it takes resolve and it takes fucking up and falling many times. There is not much trust with those who are very familiar with me, mainly family. I put them through the shit so many times that I am surprised they haven't yet given me the tough love and thrown my ass to the curb. Building trust has not been easy, because I have broken it so many times. My depression on top of my addiction is where I get to rock bottom. I feel like I don't belong. I don't deserve to live. I sometimes have felt like if I died, I would save my family and friends grief in the future. Almost like that one bad thing of me dying would be less grief in the long run to me keeping on breaking trust and losing myself and having them worry about me constantly. It's a fucked up way to think, that if I were gone there would be less trouble for them in life. I have never attempted suicide, I have never gotten to planning it, either. I have had friends die from suicide and I know how it feels to lose someone like that. If I kill myself by overdosing then I am essentially pulling the trigger myself. I can't do that. I can't lose my focus and my drive to live. It's hard not to, especially when I can't pull myself out of bed, sometimes for weeks when I'm in one of those black moods. I don't have self-confidence. I used to joke how I don't have mojo, i only have 'mo.' I will always believe I am not good looking, that is something I can't get over. Maybe I have nice eyes or something, but I can't bring myself to admit I am a decent looking man. It's one of those things, maybe something like an anorexic at eighty pounds believing they're overweight. I don't know. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I look good to only some.
I want to be defined by my good qualities. Not my bad ones.
I try and give more than I take. That is so fucking taxing, though. I give and I give, even most times when I am not asked, I just do it because I feel the person could use what I am giving more than me, or I just want to put a smile on their face. I feel like an asshole sometimes because then I see them not giving back, even though I gave without them asking and should not expect anything in return, it's like I do, though. I expect to get something back after I have given. This is not a Godly way of looking at it. I am not the normal Christian. I don't have the same beliefs as most people do, I follow my own, but it does follow close to that of Christianity more than anything else. I like to go to church, I enjoy listening to sermons, and I believe in the message more than anything in most of the things I hear. But expecting things from people is not right. I suppose it makes me feel like people don't care about me as much as I care about them, and that is probably true, because I care about people too much almost. I care if they are having a bad day. I try to make them smile or give them a compliment. I try to talk to them and listen to their problems. I know that listening can do a lot more good than talking does a lot of the time. Being a good listener is a quality I have possessed for most of my life. It's hard not to listen only to wait to speak, but to listen to everything the other person says before making a response in my mind.
It's time for me to make a push. I need to push myself to do more. To be more. That's one reason I started this blog, so I can get back into writing so I can push out stories and send them to publishers. I am going back to school, and this time I am not slacking. I'm reading the chapters, I'm doing the work. I've been told so many times to 'get my shit' together that I want to pull out my hair, but it's true. Priorities. Always priorities. School. Work. Housing. Writing. Abstinence from drugs.
I've felt so alone for a long time now. It's been two and a half years since my actual last relationship and I just want someone there who I can talk to, that I can joke with, have things in common with, fuck, watch movies. It was so hard with being in the middle of so much shit in my life, but now that it has hopefully started to calm down, maybe I can find someone. They say that you can't love someone until you love yourself. I think that's bullshit. I don't think I will ever truly love myself, but loving someone else is different. Maybe I'll never find a love that will last, who knows. I know how eccentric I am, and it will be hard finding someone who appreciates my oddities and can accept them along with my anxiety and everything else. I find it hard as hell to love myself, but I don't find it hard at all to love others.
Just please let me be the best me I can be. I'm going to be the best I can today and maybe tomorrow I will be even better. I'm working on loving myself, and that is a tough thing to do.
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